"Sometimes the only power you have is to tell your story." -Evelyn Wilde

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Dear Hillary

Dear Secretary Clinton,

It has been two days since the election results came in and dreams of millions, but yours in particular, were lost.  I can’t read any more think piece autopsies of why we failed. I just want to write to you in an effort to convey my respect and sincere gratitude. 

Beyond the appreciation I feel for your decades of public service, it is your perseverance and accomplishments, in the face of divisiveness, misogyny, false claims, and hyperbole that I admire most.  No mere mortal could have maintained their composure and focus the way you have.

I know that self-care, introspection and solitude are needed in moments like these. I hope you are spending time with those whom you love and cherish. I am still rapid cycling through the stages of grief; not quite ready to be the bigger person and accept this defeat.  Unlike you, who demonstrated grace throughout this campaign, especially in the speech you gave just hours after your concession.

I am not a person of faith but in times of loss and despair I turn to my Yoga practice and the bumper stickers of wisdom I have collected over the years-- a mash up of Eastern Philosophy and down home wisdom. One that came up almost immediately for me was ‘Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck’ attributed to the Dalai Lama.  

It is conjecture to imagine what the next four years would have been like for you. However, I think it is reasonable to suggest that the obstructive actions and hateful rhetoric you, and therefore we, would have had to endure might just have broken us irrevocably. 

As Republicans seem to have taken a particular interest in your demise, long before we sent each other emails, there is no doubt that Donald Trump’s supporters, and their elected officials, would not be capable of the gracious reserve you and the majority of your supporters are exhibiting right now.

Your commitment to Democracy is strong enough to step aside, even though you were quantifiably more qualified, dignified, prepared and capable than any other person who aspired for the position. For this, Mrs. Clinton, you are a hero to me and millions of people at home and abroad.

Thank you for being brave, for not backing down to the sexism you have faced in your life. Thank you for being patient with this country. A country which clearly has lessons to learn before it is ready to accept and embrace a woman with your resume to represent us.

With a heavy but hopeful heart, thank you for aspiring to lead us towards a progressive future we are clearly not collectively ready to receive.

Best wishes,


Monday, October 24, 2016

Political Healing

Pre-Election Anxiety is real: Hypervigilance, perceived feelings of threat, loss of hope, gaslighting- all are legitimate reasons for what might be troubling me and many others. I process all these feelings in sessions with my patients and they have escalated within the past year to be sure.

I also recommend personally, to friends and family, that through the power of our vote we perform a 'Trumpectomy' come November 8th.

What has been exposed will need to heal, come what may on November 9th, but purging the poison, stitching that cut, popping that pimple-- it has to happen before any treatment can be applied. The ugly rhetoric, the polarized views on race, women, immigrants and Islam, they have to be let out, like a nasty fart.

What has been exposed through Donald Trump's campaign is a reminder of bigotry, misogyny and xenophobia which run deep in a significant number of people. People who fight in our wars, fix our cars and teach our kids. They cannot be dismissed as "deplorable" because they are our neighbors and often our friends, or even family.

These beliefs are a product of culture, economy, family history, even Anthropology. Historically, a majority of English immigrants settled on the East Coast of America and brought with them their legacy of education and the law. The immigration of Scots-Irish in the Appalachia regions of the country came from a 'warrior' genealogy and might explain why so many of those descendants have contributed to our Military. The Pioneers who headed West for opportunity represent the innovation and progressive values we see today in Silicon Valley.

What used to resemble a healthy respect for the contribution of each culture's skill sets now seems only to be viewed with suspicion and disdain. Yet, as is the American ideal, all of us contribute towards and benefit from the promise of Life, Liberty, and Justice. Even though the definition of that founding truth has had to be expanded many times to include many of us.

Despite the misinformation and bias which truly is at the heart of much of the animosity towards Secretary Clinton and Democrats, (and in that respect is the responsibility of the Media-- the source of our news) what lies beneath is a real fear for financial futures, for the safety of families, and a lost way of life. Donald Trump represents an alternative treatment where politics has so often failed to diagnose and alleviate suffering. But beware of Snake Oil Salesmen promising a quick fix or 100% satisfaction.

We have a lot further to walk on this bridge towards progress but without the brawn and the brain of our all citizens we will only ever achieve partial remission from what ails us.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Torch and Flame

U.S.A.!! U.S.A!! I mean, right?! We're absolutely killing it out there in Rio.

Every four years Americans remember just how strong and awesome we are, standing on those podiums more than any other country. Olympians who look like us. Really in shape versions of us. They are black, white, Muslim, Jewish, silly and shy.

Olympics, sport in general, reminds us of the power in excellence; of the rules of engagement and fair play. Cheaters are shunned. Hard work and commitment sometimes pays off in gold but always in pride. Underdogs are welcomed, celebrated even.

The Olympics are about the best-- the most perfect-- what we can control within seconds or inches.

How fantastically satisfying that these Olympics fall just before a United States election. An election mired in narcissism, paranoia, fear and the 24 hour media coverage of their symptoms.

The juxtaposition of elite sports and government could not be more stark. We as a nation, a people--humanity-- whether in America, Britain or Zambia-- are still trying to craft that more perfect union between our realities and our ideals, and the results are far from perfect.

It is so easy to get despondent and cynical. Just glancing at the news sends me into a rage cycle.

The blame must be shared though. We seek personalities whom we respond well to. We are misinformed on the process and policy and have not fought back hard enough against the powers that be. But I don't wake up to a security briefing every morning, do you? I don't know anything about how this country actually functions.
I just know I really needed health insurance and, when I finally got it, I felt like a citizen of a government that cared about me.

I know when gas prices are too high or when rising rent exiles me from my community. I know that black children do not deserve to be shot and killed and I want very much for people to stop that from happening.

I do know that as a Member of the U.S.A Board  (ie. a Voter) my responsibility is to elect the best person for the job-- I'm not obliged to agree with every choice they've ever made or like their face all that much. Perfection is a false promise in politics. Sometimes a vote is the best choice between "meh" and "WTF!?"

Voltaire is quoted as saying: "Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good."

Compromise, showing up, accepting good enough, getting better, being aware of our "areas for improvement" and having the patience to see it through. That is all we can control.

Commitment and vision are what politics and sport do share. But let's reserve perfect for Simone Biles and Michael Phelps this year.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Chicks and Chicos: Advice for young adults

I had a moment today when I realized that the time has arrived for me to start shopping at Chico's. Everything about my choice in jewelry, loose, soft fabrics, and ready for a casual gathering vibe leads straight to their door.

Basically, I'm turning 42 this year and it's time to embrace being "middle-aged" with gusto and tunics. That's the advice I would give myself.

As a Psychotherapist I don't really give advice- its not helpful. The work is the process of guided self discovery. But 16-20 year olds, whom I love working with, so often want to get right to the practical stuff : "Just tell me what to do" they plead, even though the truth is, even if I did, they would still screw it up spectacularly because that's what they need to do.

Nevertheless, this blog is not my office so herein lies my advice for those High School Juniors/Seniors and recent graduates. The young, beautiful kidadults staring into their future with giddy excitement and paralyzing fear of getting it all terribly wrong.

I'm not talking about the scholars, artists or single-minded genius who never questioned their purpose or Harvard Law pedigree. I'm speaking to kids like the one I was-- who don't have a clue.

1. Get a trade. Learn how to do something practical: hairdresser, waitress, mechanic, barista, etc. Have a trade that you know, no matter what, will afford you some independence.

2. Get your Associate degree as soon as possible. Complete all those basic, 101 required courses while you are working or have parents who will still float you. Then wait and work and travel.

3. Travel anywhere. Just go explore your city, state, country, the world. There are more programs than ever before to assist you on your adventures: WWOOF, Study Abroad, AmericCorps. Or take that trade and move to another city and find a job.

You will reach a sharp edge of existential crises eventually and that is when you will know if you want to study further. At that point ask yourself what you are curious about. What would you do if you could do anything? Then figure out how to do it.

4. Money does get you better stuff and opportunities but not necessarily better people- remember and value your friendships.

5. Use birth control and wear condoms- always. Do not have a child until your parents have not paid for your phone, car, and/or health insurance for at least two years. But have a baby by 35 so you don't start freaking out and making impulsive choices. Biology is real.

6. If you don't want to be a mother (or father) more than anything else, that is also valid and normal. Travel more, sleep in, eat gourmet food. Repeat.

7. Date without remorse We are so focused on finding "the one" that each rejection feels profound and painful, yet there will always be others when you are open to meeting new people.

8. When you do find true companionship + great sex- lock it down and let go of being single. You will think fondly of being single, you may crave that extra attention and the thrill of the chase, but remember that being single was lonely most of the time. You can't really have it both ways unless both of you agree to the terms. Monogamy is tough but it's also the price of admission in my experience.

9. Try to save a bit of money every month and don't go into debt over "stuff."

10. Tell your parents "thank you" regularly- even if they were rubbish. They had their moments and yes, they screwed you up, but they are yours and you are theirs. Accept and embrace the glorious mess you all are.

Now get out there and wear leggings like pants, bikinis, man buns and shorts smaller than my underwear. Chico's will be there one day for you, too.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

No School Left Behind

The child of an acquaintance is attending the same Middle School I was once did-- almost 30 years ago. I shared with them the privileged perspective I had of realizing in 7th grade that not every family had a maid.

A good education in many ways, but not exactly a school in a "good" area, I attended the Arts Magnet Program in what was then called a Junior High.  Politicians and Educators had successfully implemented Magnet Arts & Science programs in low performing schools by the late 1980's, which continue to represent a beacon of hope in the otherwise bleak graveyard of well intended education policies.

Two decades later I worked in schools located in what were considered "bad" neighborhoods.

There were excellent teachers and staff at those schools I worked in, who had little to none of the family support given to "good" schools-- because poverty doesn't lend itself to competitive bake sales and silent auctions. So outcomes and expectations always fell short, despite our efforts and those of the parents and children we served.

I have never been a police officer but I resonated recently with the speeches made after the Dallas massacre. The speakers lamented the burden of asking too much of civil servants. Teachers are often required to be much more to students than their job description, too.

It was at those schools, working as a Special Education Coordinator, which covered Gifted through Autism to Hospital/Homebound students, where I noticed the phenomena of March Madness: White parents of preschoolers, frantically calling within the legal time frame to request Gifted testing for their child (who would be zoned for our school in the Autumn). A gifted program, you see, was their golden ticket to a school in a "good" area.

The caveat that many a savvy homebuyer reckons with is that the schools in that "up and coming" area are often the most ignored and least integrated. Yet, despite the great deal on that house, the children of those families often attend schools outside of their neighborhood. All that effort put into restoration and renovation never finds its way into the classrooms or PTA's, and the schools most in need of a Homeroom Mother with a college degree and time on her hands never even have a chance to meet her.

So now I work in Boca Raton where as a Psychotherapist I see young adults who were raised in the affluent Palm Beach, Florida town.  They are great kids; smart, funny, insightful, but struggling nonetheless. Their parents, who often relocated their families from up north, seem surprised by their child's bad behavior.  They had hoped to put a gated community wall around those threats. The helplessness registers on their faces when they realize that "good" neighborhoods making children immune to drugs, defiance and despair was never a guarantee.

If I had gone to a "good" school all those years ago I would have missed out on so much. Thinking back to all the homes I visited on sleep overs, and experiences which woke me up and out of my familial experience. I tried Haitian food, went to Bar Mitzvahs, attended a Catholic Mass. I had classes with someone whose family were Persians (like the cat!) I had friends who were gay and their moms let them eat cheese doodles and drink soda (not just at birthday parties!!) I watched Columbian soap operas and learned how to make money washing cars in the summer.

Poverty is awful and scary, for those who fear it but mostly for those who live it. Changing that reality is the responsibility of both the inhabitants of "bad" neighborhoods and, in a way that can no longer be ignored or scapegoated, very much with us--- the not black lives.

Because yes, we struggle and suffer too, even the rich and pretty among us, but racism and bias are historical and systemic. We, white people, must admit to avoiding, pilfering and rejecting the black and brown communities whom we selectively ignore, zone and landscape out of sight.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Hannah, Carrie, or Rachel?

Close your eyes for a moment and go back in time. Go back to a time when the NBA champions were the Chicago Bulls. When "Supermodels" were a thing. Rosanne was our favorite TV show. The Bodyguard and Aladdin were movies we paid cash money to see in a theatre. The Real World premiered on MTV and Amy Fisher shot that poor woman in the face.

1992 was the year Bill Clinton ran for President and I graduated High School.

I tell incredulous teenagers now about not having an iPhone or Snapchat and they just stare at me, blinking slowly. I can remember card catalogs at libraries, mimeographed homework, using pay phones when you were ready to get picked up at the mall. I actually do remember playing all day with my friends outside and riding my bike a few miles to school, sans protective head gear. I'm not exaggerating any of that.

Yet here I am at 41 years old: texting at stoplights, on-line shopping, oversharing on Facebook, and listening to library books that I download from an app.

My graduating class should be studied in a lab for our adaptability and endurance.

But my generation seems to be undefined. Broadly, we are part of Generation X. Specifically, those of us born in 1972-1976 went to high school together and that is still how I identify people around my age: Would you have been a Senior when I was in 9th grade? Or were you in 9th grade when I was Senior? Ether way we wouldn't have had much in common back then and probably don't now.
Friends premiered in 1994. They were all definitely in college when I was in High School but remain relatable archetypes of twentysomething transitions even today.

Sex and the City ran from 1998--2004. I was 24--30 in that time period. Those women were at least ten years older than me. They would have had their first jobs out of college when I was just starting High School. Although I didn't exactly relate to their thirtysomething lifestyles I watched the show like a manual for how to be a woman.

I had neither the bank account, shoes, nor dating pool that they inhabited but it was the first time I had seen sex and relationships spoken about in an honest way and I tried my best to emulate them.

Girls premiered in 2012 when I was 37. Another brilliant show, depicting women living in the same area of Brooklyn and making the same tragic choices I once did. Yet, I was well past that by then.

Married, in a transitioning career, and contemplating motherhood. Much more in-line with Carrie or Charlotte, than Hannah or Marnie, but really just sort of somewhere in between them. A generation unrepresented by HBO. In the 7 years between those two shows I felt more connected to a flawed man from the 1960's, a Chemistry Teacher turned Drug Lord, and black youth from Baltimore.
I've only got a handful of friends from high school left.  We all live in different cities so our relationships exist for the most part on Facebook. Our 20th High School Reunion (four years ago) was just skipped over, no one bothered to hold one or I didn't get the Evite.

The High School President of our class was probably too busy producing multiple Broadway Plays and gifted children to arrange it. I think the Vice President of our year is now the Artistic Director at Alvin Ailey, or works for AT&T. I can't verify either, but we went to the High School of the Arts so many of us have "made it" and many of us have made something else entirely of our adulthood.

Either way, we're all apparently too busy to meet up in a hotel ballroom.

The Class of 1992 is 40-42 years old now. We're at that apex, where wine and people reach the crest of our lived experiences. We are "middle aged" by standard definition. We owe it to ourselves and all the seventies neglect, eighties excess and nineties plaid that we lived through to be heard from.

If the child prodigy who used to accompany me on Memory is only now getting his second Tony Award, I think a relevant TV show is still within reach.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Drown the Rich

"I must clean our patio doors three times a week" I complain. My sister rolls her eyes and mutters "Middle-Class problems, indeed."  

Rusted furniture and murky glass are not actual problems, but they do blur the dream of ocean front living.

Although we live in a small apartment, just down the street is the most expensive property in the Unites States. We share the same view. I realize that if you have the money to buy your own private Caesar's Palace you can certainly afford to maintain it, but I do caution people who share with me their dream of living by the water: "Don't underestimate the upkeep" I say. "It will cost you thousands in repairs and replacements every year. Salt water is a bitch."

Living by or near the water is why so many people move here, but in South Florida even the beach, the natural occurring convergence of land and water, is mostly private property; ostensibly available for everyone to enjoy but only past an invisible demarcation line in the sand.

A drive along the ocean road from Miami to Palm Beach will allow very few unobstructed views of the actual water. The drive is mostly a tour of private homes, tower blocks and landscaped gates, all lined up next to each other like birds on a wire; acquiring every possible inch of space to ensure that they block out your view for theirs.

There are public beaches along the way. A mile or so of space that each city owns, where you will probably pay to park and then get to spend a lovely day, inches away from strangers in their waterproof underwear.

Some people don't even flinch at that idea. I see them with their umbrellas and coolers, staking out a spot, uninhibited and impervious to others. Me, not in a million years. Ideally, I want just enough space between myself and everyone else so they know if I'm drowning but not enough to know my gender.

I actually see the beach I live by as a metaphor for why the 2016 election matters. It is a physical example of the American Dream we all get sold: claiming your own piece of sand, even if it is inches away from someone else's.

The irony is, that rust and muck I scrape off every week is nothing compared to the threat of sea level rise. A climate report found that "2.4 million Floridians are at risk of flooding from even a moderate hurricane-driven storm surge. The odds of a catastrophic 100-year flood by 2030 are now 2.6 times higher than they would have been without global warming."

In America, money can buy you palaces, privacy, and power, but it is sobering for us to remember that the ocean we all stare at, whether from a towel, terrace, or turret, couldn't care less about property values, and neither should our Politicians.