"Sometimes the only power you have is to tell your story." -Evelyn Wilde

Monday, February 8, 2016

Pussy Riot

In this Shakespearean Farce of an election, the female lead has been given to Ms. Megyn Kelly. A smart, insightful and politically savvy woman who works for Fox News.

Megyn makes Donald Trump nervous. She's admirable, until she avoids any suggestion that she might be a Feminist. Her responses, sounding more slithery than Peyton or Lebron's highly funded and over-hyped "announcements," babble on about how she doesn't like to marginalize or define herself in a way that feels "alienating."

Bitch, please!!

As Caitlin Moran wrote in her book How to be a Woman- it's quite simple really:

1.  Do you have vagina?

2. Do you care what happens to it?

Congratulations! You're a Feminist.

Men can also be Feminists, and they should be, ideologically, but if you are a (sic) woman who has fought to be in a position of power, like Ms. Kelly, it is beyond dismissive to just tell young girls to "Work twice as hard, to be twice as good. So good-- they can't ignore you."

Because, somehow, they still do.

If you're white, pretty, thin and blonde-- well, that certainly improves your chances of getting noticed, but what if you're not quite as privileged-- a brunette, black, fat, or old woman!? Or, just sort of adequately good-- a high average chick? Other than being a white man, excellence is what America gives the most value to. The best can do no wrong.

Look no further than the Super Bowl.

Cam Newton, a hugely talented player, failed to win. Which makes him laughable and an object of criticism. Coldplay gave an amazing concert, graciously including other stars in their performance. The press, however, reports that they were overshadowed and humiliated by Beyoncé.

Which brings me to Hillary Clinton, who I believe is by far the most qualified candidate to be the next President of the United States. Yet, some women won't get behind her because she seems "unlikeable" "untrustworthy" and other Right Wing adjectives they've been throwing at that loud, opinionated, woman for most of her adult, political life.

I'm talking to you, ladies of voting age, and the girls who soon will be. Ignoring, dismissing, and minimizing the power of Feminism is not an option.

Ironically, the point of Feminism is that you get to choose. You can be whatever you want to be: a soccer player, homemaker, Instagram Celebrity, or President. You can even become a man. You can vote, for whomever you choose (remember when that wasn't an option for us?)

Your body and the children you do (or don't) want to carry into the world, your sexuality, pleasure and path-- no one should limit your choice based on the possession of a vagina but, to be clear, that choice only exists thanks to Feminism.

Define yourself in as many words, characters or emoji as you choose but make Feminist one of them.

Beyoncé would approve.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Post Traumatic Politics

A Mentor whom I respect immensely reminds me often that (when working with patients) "It's always about Trauma." On some level, large or small, we all experience trauma and I believe that to be one of the greatest recent insights of the Mental Health Community.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, was originally attributed to Soldiers returning from war, but has become more accepted as a diagnosis for civilians who experience abuse, violence, and other less severe issues outside of their normal experience of the world.

The criteria for PTSD include:
Intrusive memories
  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
  • Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
  • Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event
  • Avoidance
  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
  • Negative changes in thinking and mood
  • Negative feelings about yourself or other people
  • Inability to experience positive emotions
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • Changes in emotional reactions
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily startled or frightened

  • As I currently live in the United States of America-- in an election cycle-- I've also been thinking about another psychological term, a much older and fundamental one: The Collective Unconscious.

    Established by one of the first leaders in the field, Dr. Carl Jung, who defined the collective unconscious as the part of the unconscious mind that is derived from ancestral memory and experience, common to all humankind, as distinct from the individuals unconscious.

    A shared psychology, so to speak, shaped by common experience.

    As I reflected recently on returning to America in 2001 very soon after the Terrorist attacks of 9/11, I wonder if Americans have actually been suffering from a collective diagnosis of PTSD.

    Would that not account for the politics we are now witnessing? Could our collective traumatic experience of that awful day produce the isolationism, defensiveness and hopeless rhetoric some so vehemently believe?

    America has a long history of violence and aggression and being only (only?) 41 years old, I have no concept of life during the Vietnam or World Wars. But I do remember life pre and post 9/11/01.

    Perhaps the Reagan era and the rise of  "Conservative Values" in politics were fertile ground for a traumatic event to take hold. Perhaps we were lulled into a false sense of safety after so much prosperity. But we were the victims on 9/11 and the victim is never to blame, regardless of the provocation (short skirt, atrocious foreign policies, et al.).

    What matters now is not why but what.

    Therapy focused on individual trauma includes several modalities for re-experiencing and accepting the traumatic event itself. What more, an area of research in Positive Psychology is exploring the idea of Post Traumatic Growth: a construct of positive psychological change that occurs as the result of one’s struggle with a highly challenging, stressful, and traumatic event. To read more click here.

    The basic idea, on a personal or collective level, is that out of awful experiences wisdom and growth can often occur. It does not mean that the event is erased from our memory but, if we allow it to, the experience can inform us in a way that helps us to be better, not worse.

    My personal politics aside, all of us have to allow for change to occur in our lives or we risk stagnation. The act of voting is one way of moving towards hope and away from fear. Every election provides us with an opportunity to go forward or backward; to progress or regress.

    In 2016 which will we choose?

    Tuesday, December 29, 2015

    Where I Was At

    As we get older our priorities and challenges change as much as our hairstyles, but how much do we really shed? Is the 10-year-old Wham! fan, 19-year-old hippie, or 26-year-old black-out drunk (who I used to be) still alive and kicking somewhere in my psyche?

    Are we like Russian Babushka dolls; containing within us every incarnation of our former selves layered over new skin?

    Upon returning to the United States, after teaching English in Spain for several years, I was acutely aware of how people "seen" movies and "done good." Even the newly "elected" George W. Bush was comfortable referring to Al Queda members as ‘folks' and wondering "Where they're at?"

    Now that I was back did I need to retire the English teacher me? I still took an interest in bongs and George Michael's career, when they existed, but my former selves didn't seem to fit anymore, much like my prom dress.

    It was as if I had been a missionary, preaching the name of the Lord abroad, only to return to find my Parish had gone Pagan. After working diligently correcting these basic errors, it felt like a betrayal when I realized that Americans didn't really care about double negatives and prepositions--we had real problems now.

    I had returned to America in October of 2001. Only a month after the attacks of September 11th. My decision to leave Spain was made before that terrible day but certainly became resolved after it. I wanted to come home, metaphorically and literally.


    I remember wandering aimlessly around the unavoidable box superstores which had infiltrated every department with American flag patterned blankets, fishing poles and flip-flops. Encouraged by our leaders to “shop more!” There was no shame to the extent people would brandish the flag, or some variation of ‘Kill Osama,' on whatever space was available.

    Just another cute accessory to most people, despite their patriotic intentions, I wondered how long it would take before I got scorned for smoking in public-- with or without a God Bless America lighter.

    I started to save for a return trip to Europe. America was not the sexy, Clinton-friendly country I had left behind. It was am-Bushed, bloated, and scared.

    Or maybe that was me?

    Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    Drown the Rich

    "I must clean our patio doors three times a week" I complain. My sister rolls her eyes and mutters "Middle-Class problems, indeed."  

    Rusted furniture and murky glass are not actual problems, but they do blur the dream of ocean front living.

    Although we live in a small apartment, just down the street is the most expensive property in the Unites States. We share the same view. I realize that if you have the money to buy your own private Caesar's Palace you can certainly afford to maintain it, but I do caution people who share with me their dream of living by the water: "Don't underestimate the upkeep" I say. "It will cost you thousands in repairs and replacements every year. Salt water is a bitch."

    Living by or near the water is why so many people move here, but in South Florida even the beach, the natural occurring convergence of land and water, is mostly private property; ostensibly available for everyone to enjoy but only past an invisible demarcation line in the sand.

    A drive along the ocean road from Miami to Palm Beach will allow very few unobstructed views of the actual water. The drive is mostly a tour of private homes, tower blocks and landscaped gates, all lined up next to each other like birds on a wire; acquiring every possible inch of space to ensure that they block out your view for theirs.

    There are public beaches along the way. A mile or so of space that each city owns, where you will probably pay to park and then get to spend a lovely day, inches away from strangers in their waterproof underwear.

    Some people don't even flinch at that idea. I see them with their umbrellas and coolers, staking out a spot, uninhibited and impervious to others. Me, not in a million years. Ideally, I want just enough space between myself and everyone else so they know if I'm drowning but not enough to know my gender.

    I actually see the beach I live by as a metaphor for why the 2016 election matters. It is a physical example of the American Dream we all get sold: claiming your own piece of sand, even if it is inches away from someone else's.

    The irony is, that rust and muck I scrape off every week is nothing compared to the threat of sea level rise. A climate report found that "2.4 million Floridians are at risk of flooding from even a moderate hurricane-driven storm surge. The odds of a catastrophic 100-year flood by 2030 are now 2.6 times higher than they would have been without global warming."

    In America, money can buy you palaces, privacy, and power, but it is sobering for us to remember that the ocean we all stare at, whether from a towel, terrace, or turret, couldn't care less about property values, and neither should our Politicians.

    Sunday, December 13, 2015

    Extreme Purging

    What if, a la The Leftovers, we all woke up tomorrow and Extremists of every faith, fad diet, and political persuasion had just vanished?

    Poof. No mas.

    Trump, ISIS, Vegans, Kim Davis, the NRA, Marine Le Pen. Gone. What would it be like to live in a world where no one watched Fox News, or preached hate, or had 19 children, demanded Gluten be eradicated from the menu, or gunned down Abortion Clinics (schools, malls, concerts, churches, cafes, holiday parties, etc.)?

    Would it be better, safer, kinder? Or would we still sabotage ourselves and continue to rank and file? "I'm a Socialist Liberal with a uterus and you're a Democratic Socialist with man boobs. See? So different, so, not cool."

    The fact is we all share more than we parse. Men and Women, Muslim and Jew, Carnivore and Herbivore. Yet we hone in on the differences, fixate on them; pathologize and study them in a lab. Except here we all are: walking around on the same planet, just breathing and fucking and texting, from Alaska to Zambia.

    I see hope in the Transgender community, calling for a neutral pronoun. And the new government of Canada, equalizing the genders in their Cabinet positions. Even Silicon Valley, admitting that they need to focus on diversity and altruism more than hover boards. Even Florida!! The mayor of St. Petersburg just banned Donald Trump from visiting, thanks to his latest call for a ban on all Muslim immigration. Meanwhile, many Muslims are standing up for peace and progress within their militant communities.

    An end of times purge would be effective but that's the easy way, it wouldn't last. We'd find something to bitch about. No, the path of progress must start within ourselves. Only then could it affect our politics.

    So, continue to exclaim your outrage on-line, by all means, but let's also respond to ISIS and Trump, (et al.), by welcoming family and friends into our hearts and homes this holiday season, despite our differences. Let us attempt to release the judgment; accept that everyone we know is struggling and trying to do their best.

    Workshop that with your in laws and see how it goes. Then and only then can we expect it from the "others."

    Tuesday, November 17, 2015

    Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité

    I sometimes watch people swim from my balcony. I swim, too. I swim when my work week ends. I swim to process all the stories I listen to. I file them away with each lap so that when I emerge I can live my own story.

    A terrorist attack in Paris has made me aware of other people's stories. People whom I would never have met. People who in their death we know better than in life.

    Whether we are grieving those gunned down by a white, American young man or a Muslim from Syria, love is what always shines brightest in the aftermath.  But love is not enough. The Facebook temporary profile change. The hashtags of prayers and thoughts. Nice gestures, yes, but just not good enough.

    We have to do more than tweet our pain and disapproval.

    We must say "No." Loudly, and with our ballots.

    No to Politicians [and their supporters] who flaunt their rhetoric of isolationism, sexism, and bigotry as patriotism.

    No to the lack of a peace deal between Israel and Palestine. 

    No to the Anti-Semitism we passively permit, in our lives and our politics.

    No to political correctness policing out of fear rather than empathy.

    No to police brutality and lack of accountability.

    No to the legislating of sexuality and fertility.

    Just. No.

    We can fight, we have to, but we must respond in French. A response of more freedom, equality, and humanity, granted to each other and ourselves, not less. This is the story I want to be a part of.

    Friday, October 2, 2015

    Fighting for Love

    Every so often all couples will spin the big wheel. We'll either have that fight about spending money... or the ongoing trial of toilet paper replacement responsibility...how one of us really wants to relocate, or still struggles to see the importance of text notifications when they are late.

    Those are our big ones. The topics that bring us to anger. The peace accord never obeyed because a resolution is neither final nor fair.

    Money was the latest spin, after the covert smuggling of shopping bags into the home (I) ,and the subsequent silent treatment that read "chocolate is not "essential?!!" (He)

    "Says who?"
    "It wasn't on the list"
    "Don't micromanage me."
    "I'm not, I'm managing our budget!!"
    "I know what the budget is!"
    "You do?"
    "Oh, give me a break. Are you seriously...." and so it goes.

    We figure it out. We kiss and make up quickly. We rehash it a week later and expect our Therapist to Referee. It's all very benign and functional, yet ever so predictable.

    When I think about what basic BS can bring on a fight it does sometimes make me think of the alternative. Of not knowing. Of having to figure all this stuff out with another person.

    The temptation of new and easy appeals to all of us, be it in phone, job, or lover. The illusion is in the expectation.

    On-Line dating has made us very specific, however, about what we require and reject in others. The insistence on a laundry list of qualifications now expected in a partner. The reality being that we would never meet much less rub our bodies against anyone if their transgressions were read before us.

    Before you swipe right, I am required to inform you of the following: I have an Asian Massage Fetish, I struggle with sharing my food, I never remember to buy milk, I smoke too much weed, I don't like kids, and I still resent my sister, which makes the Holidays an absolute nightmare for everyone involved.

    Clearly not the way to keep our species alive.

    What we are losing is the stuff you find between the darkness: The way porn awakens a passion in you. The cute way he guards his food like a 3rd grader. The practical jokes you get to play on her when she opens the fridge in the morning. The graceful struggle of trying to become a healthier person. The heart opening pain of acceptance. The inside jokes about each other's families that sustain you over dry turkey, year after year.

    To love and be loved is what we do. What choice do we have? Too many cold nights out in the wilderness demand the comfort of heat.


    Marriage is not
    a house or even a tent
    it is before that, and colder:
    the edge of the forest, the edge
    of the desert
    the unpainted stairs
    at the back where we squat
    outside, eating popcorn
    the edge of the receding glacier
    where painfully and with wonder
    at having survived even
    this far
    we are learning to make fire
                                             by Margaret Atwood